Chew the Fat

For the past few weeks I have been reading forums on living in Taiwan. Many have been negative and it had me a little concerned.

Then I thought I would read some discussions on living in New Zealand. It was certainly education. Most, if not all, the comments on relocating to New Zealand are negative. When I first read them I was pissed.

How could they say these things about my country, the best place in the world?!

But after a good two hours of swallowing my national pride I began the miserable realisation that many, not all, of the comments were true.

I do love my country -nearly every person from every country does- and I am proud to be a New Zealander, but let us be honest about the state of this place.

Of course a lot of this is about attitude, but it is good to hear opinions about us.

I thought I would share some of the many comments of people who relocated to New Zealand.

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The NZ population is mostly unsophisticated from a world perspective, so if you like deep political conversations from worldly minds, forget it. If you're happy conversing about sports, the weather, and your kids, it's fine.

One odd thing I've noticed - it's not unusual for a stranger to walk up and remove an unoccupied chair from 'your' table at a restaurant or barwithout asking you first, or even a glance to acknowledge your existence. I don't see this as malicious rudeness; it's just a lack of refinement.

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Environmentally, NZ has been oversold. There are not many problems simply because there are not enough people here to mess it up, not because of an ingrained mentality in the population or forward-thinking government.

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Criminal penalties are so light as to be silly, and yet they claim the prisons are overcrowded. I have to blame bad parenting mainly for this, but better law enforcement would really help.

When I grew up in California there was a 10pm curfew for anyone under 16, and if you were caught they would either take you home or call your parents. Here those teenagers are running around all night in small gangs. Drinking starts legally at 18, driving at 15-16.

Funny thing is cops here act like angry parents instead of professional law enforcement. They often will let light offenders off, not realizing that it really just teaches kids that cops are soft. I've never seen cops disrespected anywhere as much as they are here, and it's been like that for decades.

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NZer's have always been ones *not* to complain about bad service. As a result customer service is variable, but much improved from decades ago.

Again it's not intentional as much as it is cultural. Good, reliable tradesmen such as plumbers are hard to find. I've had to cross off many in the yellow pages as they don't return my calls, or a promised quote.

The idea of bartering or negotiation is not too common - people just have work done without a quote and pay without question whatever is charged. Vendors and services may be bewildered when you ask for a quote or wish to compare prices, but it's definitely worth doing.

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Racism is still somewhat visible here and it saddens me. More against visitors, particularly Asians, than the indigenous population.
In comparison it's clear how far California has progressed in that regard, I really do think it leads the world in social progress. It's more apparent in teenager boys trying to impress their friends than in the adult population.

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Crime is an issue – noisy cars, kids racing, and theft from cars were very evident and we also witnessed an exchange of drugs on our first morning in Christchurch and whilst we were there a backpacker was murdered in the North Island. We know this happens in the UK, but had perhaps an idealised view of NZ.

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Kiwis are very proud of their country and for them it is the centre of the universe. We found their lack of knowledge / understanding of the rest of the world surprising, particularly the focus on the national tv news which was significantly skewed towards events in NZ, particularly sport.
Sport is all – if you are a good team player, you will fit in fine. If you prefer slightly more intelligent pursuits you may have to look harder for like-minded people.

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In the Bay of Plenty region 8 out of every 10 British families who attempt to settle here return to the UK within 18 months.

Whilst some may return due to missing their extended families the majority go home because they are not prepared to put up with, what has been described to me, as the day to day drudgery of living in NZ.

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Thinking about moving to New Zealand eh. Well you can carry out a trial run without even leaving the UK.

1. Build a large shed, with no foundations or heating and move your family into it whilst you are building it.

2. Give up what ever job you are doing and find one that requires you to work 6 days per week, 10 hours per day and pays a third of your current wages.

3. Find the worst school in the UK and immediately ship your kids off to it.

4. When you do your Tesco's, Sainsbury or Asda shop pick only the items which have reached or past their sell by date. When you pay for these items insist on paying 3 times the indicated price.

5. When you drive wear a blindfold with a couple of tiny slits in it so that you can just about see. Then drive as fast as you can whilst texting on your mobile phone.

6. Every morning, when you first wake up in your big shed, get a garden hose and hose the interior walls down for 2 minutes. This will then replicate the amount of condesation and damp found in the average NZ home.

7. Make sure that you send your kids out in really bad weather wearing only a pair of shorts, a t shirt and NO shoes or socks. If they complain beat them black and blue and tell them to "Toughen up!"

8. Only buy the most expensive but worst made items that you can find, especially when buying shoes, white goods, clothes etc etc. When they breakdown or fall apart after 3 or 4 weeks don't take them back to complain, just put it down to experience. Then go out and buy exactly the same item again!

9. Every now and then chuck a large wad of money onto a fire (you may have installed a wood burner in your shed by now) just to represent "unseen charges" i.e. using your bank Eftpos card (Switch card), changing your address on card documents or driving licence, electricity price increase for winter months etc etc.

10. By now your family should be suffering with various chest complaints (from living in the damp shed) and suffering from mild to moderate depression. Take a visit to your doctor, pay $50 for each family member to see the doctor, then pay for your medication ($25 - $75 each).

11. Draw £50,000 (fifty thousand) cash out. Take it outside your shed (if the shed catches fire a 29 year old fire truck will roll up 45 minutes after you call it, manned by Volunteers) then catch fire to it. While you watch your £50,000 burn say to yourself "Well at least we did it" or "It was a life experience"

12. Learn the expression "She'll be right mate". This expression is used for every bodge or problem that a New Zealander experiences.

13. Spend a weeks wages on installing Sky in your shed. Only subscribe to the sports channels. Never watch the news, only watch SPORT 24/7.

You will then have experienced the roller coaster ride of living in New Zealand!

I lived down this drive way when I was about four-years-old for around two years. It is the last time I remember my folks being together. Mako Mako sits on the borders of the Manawatu, Wairarapa and Horowhenua; meaning it is in the middle of nowhere and rent is very cheap.

On Sunday I drove past for the first time in over twenty years. I stopped to take some photos. The old house was no longer there but the old barn was. Some crazy-eyed guy ran out of the house twisted and paranoid that I was a cop scouting the area for crops. After I reassured him I was only a civilian he suggested I be on my way.

Cheap rental prices are why my parents decided to move to this place. We had been living in a house-truck for the past few years and this was the only area in the country they could afford. They rented the house off a mad farmer who lived down the road.

My memories of the place are pretty vague; brain flashes at best. Here is what I do remember:

-We had to use an umbrella when walking down the drive way in spring because the magpies would attack from all the trees.

-I was bitten under the eye by a dog and had three stitches. I still have a tiny scar.

-I would be angry when my dad would head out in the evenings with his .22 rifle because I knew what we would be eating that night, rabbit or hare stew. I hated it but we were so poor we couldn’t afford meat.

-When my brother was at school –he is two years older than me- mum and I would hitch hike into town for groceries. I remember sitting in a huge tanker truck and the driver let me honk the horn.

-we caught some ferrets, which scared the crap out of me, and traded them in for some pet rabbits at the pet shop -ironic since we also ate rabbits

-There was an old broken red tractor behind the barn that me and my brother would spend hours playing on.

After Maku Maku we moved to Palmerston North.

The audio comes from the Ricky Gervais Show. Karl Pilkington has been labeled the funniest man alive in Britian today.

Ignore the ugly visuals and enjoy the mind of Karl Pilkington.

ON THE FRONT PAGES...

Someone leaked to the media that Don Brash -National Party leader- was in bed -literally- with a female member of the business round table. He neither confirmed nor denied the extramarital affair claims, but did take some time off to work on ‘marital problems’ with his wife. The media jumped all over him.

Then, rumors began to spread, spearheaded by investigate Magazine editor and right wing Act Party flunky Ian Wishart, that Helen Clarks husband, Peter Davis, is a homosexual. (Pictures of him embracing a long time friend were printed in Wishart’s mag).

It also turns out that the exclusive brethren had hired an investigator to follow and uncover dirt on the Prime Minister and her husband.

The Exclusive Brethren are certainly not new to political foray. They attempted a smear campaign against the Green Party during the last election. Flyers by an ‘anonymous source’ were posted to thousands of people which attacked the Green Party and the Labour Party. This was also done by the exculsive bretheran in Australia.

You can get a better view of the proceedings here.

ON THE BACK PAGES, OR NOT INCUDED AT ALL IN THE NEWS...

-Three youth are arrested for the fatal bashing of a 39-year-old-man

-A 16-year-old was bashed to death with a baseball bat waiting for a bus at a south Auckland bus stop.

-A 23-year-old pleads not guilty to killing a school teacher

-A boy is on life support after a morning smash by school bullies

-A man dies after a bashing in Mangrere

-Two men die after a shooting in Dunedin

-A man is stabbed to death in Tauranga

Don’t worry; my religious experiments are still going. I have been hooked on the New Age theme for some time now. I just haven’t been satisfied that I have got enough of a grip on it to let it go just yet. I’m nearly there. What I have been studying over the past couple of weeks is the philosophy of the subconscious mind.
I have been reading about the theory in a book -given to me by a close friend- called The Power of Your Subconscious Mind.

The idea is that the mind is split into two parts: the conscious and the subconscious. The conscious is the rational part -the part that makes all of our decisions, and argues and reasons.

The subconscious is the part that does the rest -makes our heart pump, our stomach digest food etc. However, according to this theory, the subconscious does much more. Our subconscious can make us healthy, rich, successful and happy. It has unlimited power and has the ability to affect our body physically. An example of this is hypnosis –which is believed to be direct manipulation of the subconscious. People are told that they have eaten a type of food they are allergic too and their body starts reproducing the symptoms –such as a rash.

The theory also states that the conscious is not logic and can’t reason. Consequently anything that you tell it, it will make happen. If you keep telling your subconscious that you are a fool, you will eventually turn out to be a fool. It’s kind of like your personal genie.

If I speak negative things about myself, like I have cancer or I will never be able to succeed. It will come true. So we need to sew positive thoughts and attitudes and we will reap positive results. This type idea is not uncommon and you can see it in many religions, including Christianity.

The book claims that this is why we see healings in nearly all major religions. It is not the God that we are praying to that heals us, but the fact that we are telling the sub conscious that we are healed. I guess that means that our subconscious is God, which actually means I am God.

Our subconscious is what actually made us; we started as a mind and produced our selves. Therefore we are able to tell the body to stop creating mutant or malignant cells and heal ourselves of cancer.

That makes me think that we should be seeing far more amazing miracles then cancer healing –which I have actually yet to see. The body replaces all its cells once every seven years. So if I loose a limb or break my spine I should be able to heal myself shouldn’t I? If I tell my subconscious, I should be able to grow new limbs. If my subconscious is able to keep my body in perfect health then I do not see any reason why I can’t live forever.

Then the book got a bit silly. It said that people can heal other people by speaking to their subconscious. Fair enough, I can understand that. But then it said you can heal others on the other side of the world by speaking life into their subconscious and connecting subconscious to subconscious in the spiritual. What!?! How the heck do we get to that conclusion?

This can also be very dangerous. The book says that you must have complete faith in your subconscious to heal you and should not even name the ailment that you have because this can cause the subconscious to produce it. I am sure that this theory will keep some away from getting good medical help. You have to be real about these things. If there is a tsunami coming towards your house you don’t sit there and say ‘what a beautiful day,’ you get the hell out of there.

But I do think there is some merit to the subconscious theory. Often people that pretend to be something end up being it, and some clever guy once said, ‘Man is what he thinks all day long. But as for me being God…I’ll have to chew on that for a while longer.

Taiwan is on. The New Zealand doors have been closed so we are heading to the Asian jungle. I have been reading comments on living in Taiwan on a few forums. A lot of the comments are negative - about racism and corruption mostly. The main thing is that the local guys get angry with the foreign white guys dating the local girls. This may cause some problems for Joyce and me, as Joyce is an Asian Kiwi and could be mistaken for a local. That is, until they try to talk to her.

Anyway, most of the people who make these comments are 21-year-old American guys who seem to want to bring their life ways to Taiwan. And to rely on forum comments is about is about as daft as relying on Fox News. Every country, race and religion has good and bad people. I intend to take the opportunity learn as much as I can and collect some cool stories along the way.

We have done our medical exams and x-rays. We will be doing blood tests tomorrow to confirm we don’t have syphilis or HIV. We need to do a criminal records check and have our degrees sighted by the Taiwan Embassy. We need to get 18 passport photos, buy our tickets, say good bye to everyone, move out of our place, sell or store our stuff, save some money, pack our bags and fly away, all by November 10.

We will spend a week in Sydney with family before we land in Taipei. We will train in Taipei for ten days before we head to Kaohsiung city, a harbor city in southern Taiwan. All i know is that Kaohsiung is very hot with lots of sea food.

Who knows how it will go. If it's terrible, we jump on a plane and fly home.

Easy.

"The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. And you have burned so very, very brightly"

-Quote from the film Blade Runner.

Joyce and I have been trying to figure out what we want to do for a while now. The past few months have been depressing. We have felt bored, unchallenged and lost. Everybody around us is settling in for the long haul to retirement. Their careers are set; they are buying frilly lamps and matching pillows. There is nothing wrong with this. I am just not there. Not by a long shot. My career is not set. I have no clue about what I want to do. I don’t want to buy a house –I still query the idea of owning land, but that is for another conversation.

I know I want to write, but I have no idea about the subject matter, audience, voice and how to make a living off it. Journalism in New Zealand is a nasty and poor business. No creativity at all.

We have decided the best thing to do is to head away and get some perspective. We are moving to Taiwan in November. We will teach English for a year in a village in Taiwan. We have been offered positions with a reputable language school and can make some good cash. I will continue to write freelance bits and pieces –perhaps some travel writing-and work on developing my craft.

There are a couple of ‘dream jobs’ that we have gone for in New Zealand. If we have no luck in the next week with them, we will book our tickets and discover Asia for a year.

Maybe we will be back at this same place in a year from now, but at least we will have saved up a lot of money for our wedding and at least we saw a new part of the world.